We have a choice,

So, yes, this post was inspired by the current Khloe/Jordyn drama. I know, there’s more important things in the world – but this situation highlights a number of issues. The first is the attack on the female. Jordyn has had the world attacking her. Publicly. Where is all this hate for Tristan? We are flogging him off because ‘that’s just him’, it’s probably what everyone expected, so, uh, not worth even going at him about it. Did this man ever really want this family with Khloe? Sadly I highly doubt it. He wanted the fun. He probably wanted to be mixed in with that family and would have happily taken the attention that came with that. A child though? I don’t think that was in his plan.

This situation also got me thinking about how women seem to lack the awareness that we can make choices about who/what kind of men we let in our lives. Not just men, people in general. In this situation though, men. Why do we allow ourselves to be blinded? We can blame it on what happens in our brains what we love a man. We can blame it on ‘not being able to help how we feel’. These excuses are fine when we are young. We can blame situations just happening and Oops, you really like this man, really really like him.  We can blame naivety. Until a point.

Khloe has had a series, well two men, who have cheated. Two men who she was betrayed by and caused her a lot of pain. Again, when young, it can be flogged off as ‘oh I’m young’. When does this excuse then become not usable though? When does it become a case of being wise enough and mature enough, to really make the choice about the relationships we enable and allow in our lives? I can blame many situations on being young. I’ve made many of the same mistakes and followed many of the same patterns. Fell for the same tricks. Fell for the same mind games. Get’s boring though. It gets tiring always blaming something or not being willing to have the awareness to think ‘hey, maybe I have a part in this’. I could have made the choice, at that point (look back at the relationships that didn’t last and I guarantee there was a point you felt like OK this should end here, but carried on anyway) … at *that* point, to know I wasn’t being treated correctly, it was damaging, it wasn’t giving me anything beneficial. That part was my responsibility.

It seem’s as though Khloe is not at this level of awareness. Maybe she doesn’t want to be. Maybe she is turning a blind eye in being responsible for what happens next. I guess sometimes it is easier to stay. Children involved also makes it very complicated. It’s also, in my opinion, a form of self-harm. There is the opportunity to leave, escape the hurt. Escape the constant loop of being betrayed.  Instead, she is choosing to stay. That part: CHOOSING.

Choosing to stay in a cycle of eventually being hurt again.

Being hurt again. Hurt again because of a choice she made. Self-harm. At some point that has to end. At some point, I hope, she wakes up and start’s to not just believe she deserves goodness but I hope she wants it. It take’s a whole other level of analysing thought’s and choices we make, at such a subconscious level.  As women, if we want to feel good, if we want to have good, healthy relationships, we have to want it. It has to become a requirement for our daily lives. Situation’s can, for the most part, turn to our benefit. Make us feel good. All by the choices we make. Not self-harming.

This shouldn’t just be a practice for relationships. It should go for all area’s of our lives. The area’s of our lives, where as women we might not be making healthy choices. We go with the choice that comes to us from our subconscious, rather than challenging it and questioning if that choice really will be a good one. It’s very difficult. It’s something I have started doing more of. It can feel safer to go with what is embedded in us. It can feel all too natural to act off a reaction that is embedded in us, even when it’s not correct.  It’s tearing apart everything that is hidden so deeply. Hidden and speaks softly to us, but becomes our inner guide. Our inner guide sometimes needs a good talking to, needs redirection and guidance. Challenging.

 

I hope Khloe leaves. I hope she is one day able to forgive Jordyn. I hope she find’s a level of awareness that enables her to make good choices, feel good choices. Having to leave a man you loved, who you created life with and who you hoped finally made you achieve a family unit, is heartbreaking. It’s crushing. Everything Khloe had hoped for, wished for, is and will not be what she has received – but those choices, those decisions to take control, awareness – will benefit her for the rest of her life.

All of us women.

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Zooming Out, “things”

 

I often think about the bigger picture. There is one fact of life: we all die.

Hahaha, wow, Nev, what a lovely thought for a Tuesday morning.

But, it’s true. I begin to think more about this when I come up against something I don’t want to do, feel resistant towards or I can’t get my head around the point of it. I have always been someone who can only be interested in something when it really grabs me. I like doing things that make me feel good, that resonate with who I am inside. If it doesn’t, good luck trying to get me to take part. Forcing myself to partake in something that does not grab me, is like pulling teeth.

Every.part.of.me will.not.want.to.do.it.  

It got me thinking about why we do things that do not grab us from the soul. Why do we put ourselves through resistance or force ourselves to do things? Because that’s part of life? But it’s all so temporary It could be over for any of us, any minute. So why not only do things that light you up inside? The things we do in life, are we doing them because we want to, because it connects with us as an individual. Or is most of what we do, purely done because it’s expected of us, or because other people say we should, because it’s more acceptable in society, in your community, in your home.

Life is set up in a way that many of us have no choice, but to do many things we do not wish to do. I’ve always been against those people who tell others to quit their jobs and follow their dreams. If it was that easy, we’d all be doing it. Many of us have no choice but to work jobs we may not like, to be able to live. That’s an unfortunate part of life. I’m talking about the small things, things that seem to be ‘just part of life’ and ‘the way it goes’ in life – even if those things don’t ring true to us, or they just feel like one big drag. Why do we do those things?

On your last day, you won’t be thankful for all those things you done because you felt you had to, or because someone has said you had to, or because you were more accepted by doing it – you will be thankful for the moments that lit you up, made you feel amazing. Spoke to who you are.

On a daily basis, while we are here, we do have to do things – just because. We do have some control though. We are able to map out our lives and include the things that make us feel good. Eliminate or reduce the things that don’t.

You won’t regret it.

Instagram T’s & C’s

 

Social media is bizarre.

A conversation from a friend yesterday evening, about the way in which society has been conditioned to like and want to be liked by looking or acting a certain way. Maybe it’s just installed in us as human beings. We want to be liked. Sometimes its easier to follow a crowd and be liked, than to do the opposite (I’d probably have a lot more friends if I had chosen to follow a crowd). I am guessing it has always been this way. We all have a deep need to be liked and seen – at various levels.

Social media has amplified this  To the point where people are losing their distinct features, by wanting to look like other people. You could argue it’s purely driven by inspiration. We are seeing millions, probably billions of images on our Instagram feeds every day. We, whether subconsciously or consciously, lock in these images and they feed in to our brains. You can search on your Instagram feed and see millions of girls looking like clones of Kim Kardashian, or wearing bicycle shorts, or wearing something from Fashion Nova.  This is the Instagram norm. This is what will get you likes. This is what makes people Instagram Famous. Vacations, graduations, make-up and ‘Lifestyle’ posts, are also up there.

There is a language to social media.  How bizarre is that? Without realising, over the years of being glued to social media (Instagram in particular), we instinctively know what will get likes. We know the kind of photo’s our partners will like. We know male’s will give a like to a woman who is half-naked, looks exotic, someone who is fitting in with what they have been conditioned to see on social media. Post a photo in pyjamas, hair tied back, few spots on show, enjoying a cuppa – you will not (unless you have already built up a large following) get many likes. But that isn’t what I find crazy. It’s this instinctive awareness, that; ” OK I am choosing to post this picture of me wearing something that is deemed as acceptable on social media. I look how the others look who have a large following and get loads of likes, so I’d rather post this one and get attention, than post a picture where I do not look Instagram worthy”

Some people may say I’m looking to deeply in to it.

We have been conditioned. Our brains have changed because of social media. Many of what we post on social media is calculated to work to our benefit. Social media platforms are businesses. We can flog them off as a bit of fun all we like. We can say we post for fun all we like. But it is a business. A business we have been lured in to. So much so, that we are losing our real selves. Some only want to appear a certain way on social media because they’re concerned about how others will perceive them. What does that mean? It means they are not fully being themselves. We are cloning and calling it inspiration and influence. It really is rare to maintain who you are at all times. Especially on social media. It is difficult to maintain your true being when we have now been wired to want to look and act like everyone else.

I have come off Instagram many times over the years. I almost  stayed off it for a year. The first few days where strange. It’s shocking how normal it feels to wake up, grab your phone and scroll through feeds. Our brains taking in an overload of information and images. Quotes. Motivational videos. Rude memes. Relationships. I felt lighter once I become use to not being on it. There was no FOMO. It felt refreshing to not see society being sucked in to this business and losing who they truly are. I enjoy Instagram for being silly, having a laugh and posting my photography. I too, have been a victim of feeling like I don’t look like others on Instagram, why? Should I? Should I be tanned, have long hair, wear make-up, constantly be dressed up, taking vacay’s posting in my bikini, with a photo of my bum as I come out of the pool?  I too, have been a victim of wondering why  that guy liked that photo but didn’t like mine. RIDICULOUS. 

I am all for expression. I feel I lacked that as a child. It went underground at some point. Maybe because of other things going on around me, I wasn’t that good at expressing myself. Luckily I have found ways in which I feel OK expressing. Photography, writing, being silly. However, I have always had a solid sense of who I am. I enjoy also seeing people being who they truly are. We all have distinct features, physically, emotionally, mentally. We all have things that came directly from our DNA and not from wanting to look/be someone else. Those are the things that social media is slowly but very instinctively, is taking away. Social media breaks are great. My friend was saying she may take one herself. I understand it. Our real lives sometimes get lost by the scrolls of our phones.

I was not able to fully explain the complexity social media brings in this post. My brain can’t fully get it in to words. There is a language social media has brought us, a way of being, a way of following, this way will get you likes and attention, follow!

 

 

Attracting what we lack,

 

The other day, while on the bus to work, I had a realisation about why I always seem to be drawn to the same type of man. Us women always wonder why we like a ‘bad boy’. The reasons are probably different for each of us, but it is something we all have or have had in common, at some point throughout our lives. Luckily some of us came to our senses, or left that bad boy phase in our teens. For some of us though, we keep being drawn to the same kind.

I’m an only child. I never had anyone else to blame. Responsibility has always been mine. I’ve always felt a duty to something, I’ve always felt I’ve had to be the one who takes the reins. I’ve also had no choice but to be responsible/sensible. Especially because of my health.

I seem to attract/be attracted to men who are the opposite. Carefree, rebellious (I have had my rebellious moments), reckless in some way. Am I attracted to these types of men because they have what I feel I lack? It got me thinking about attracting and being attracted to what we lack. Sometimes this can work. It creates balance. If two people with obvious differences can work together, instead of against each other, it can be amazing. If they are able to take traits from the other person, to make themselves better, great. More often than not, it goes the other way.

This very thing I initially seem to be drawn to, I end up getting irritated by. It’s also gone the other way. I was seeing someone who couldn’t adjust to my very planned, organised way of life. He wanted to be able to rock up and see me, without having to make plans or having to work around other plans I had already made (maybe that was his ego). At the start, I liked that about him; He lived very freely – irresponsible on the flip side. He was spontaneous but I like to think first. I wish I could have pinched a bit of his spontaneity. I can’t say I’ve met someone exactly like me yet, maybe that wouldn’t work either. Balance is nice, when two people are willing to learn from each other.

In astrology, I read if we lack an element (fire,water,air,earth), we are likely, without realising, to make up for it by the people we’re surrounded by. Example, I lack earth in my chart and I’m around many earth signs (sun or moons). Maybe this is also the way of relationships. Picking up what we lack – It’s our choice how we use that.

 

 

 

Pattern chasers,

 

Many people grow in to adults chasing patterns that were formed throughout their  early lives. If you grew up in a drama-filled environment, an environment that was destructive in some way or an environment that was not settled, there is a high chance you will chase this in your later life. You may not realise it. You may not understand why things keep happening to you. Or why you find yourself in similar situations over and over again. We stay in what we know. If what we know is not around us, we will make it happen, to make us feel more comfortable.

If all you have known is destruction, you will destruct things that come in to your life. Things that are calm, peaceful and easy-going, will not feel comfortable or familiar, destruction then kicks in. I grew up with things suddenly changing throughout my life. I’ve had many sudden change moments. I wasn’t ready for them. I wasn’t expecting them, I didn’t like it. But, these things become familiar and anything other, is alien. When we become self-aware and we are able to step outside of ourselves, we see the patterns. We see what we’ve been creating, because it’s all we’ve known. We will see how these familiar patterns, although they feel comfortable and that can be nice, they are often hindering us in many ways.

The flip side of chasing patterns, is attempting to control situations. Molding something so it feel’s better for us. Like when you take a bite of chocolate, it melts in your mouth, feels amazing. Molding can feel similar. Wanting to control a situation to your benefit, what you’ve always known. I noticed, even in day to day situations, for example if I had to go somewhere, maybe I was feeling a bit anxious about it, I checked in on myself; I noticed, I’d be hoping something would happen that would mean things changed and suddenly it wasn’t going to happen. If that didn’t happen, I’d make it happen. I’d cancel. Come up with an excuse. This meant that things had been rocked. Things did not happen as they were supposed to. But, that felt OK to me, actually it sometimes felt pretty good, because, ahh, slips back in to comfort zone. I became so use to things suddenly changing, not going the way I thought, that I then started to create similar situations. My thought process wasn’t ‘I wonder what will happen if I don’t go/if this doesn’t happen?’ , my thought process was ‘I wonder what will happen if I do go?’ – I became so worried about something actually going smoothly, because what’s behind that door? I don’t know doors opening smoothly. I’m still working on this.

We can become addicted to what we know. The same way some people enjoy thrills, they always want a high. They always want something to be happening. Peace isn’t something they know, so they run and run, destruct destruct. Until they are back in a situation that they feel OK in – destruction is around them. Feel’s like home.

When we take the time to analyse ourselves, take a step back, we can see how we do have some control over our lives. Yes, life is funny. It can change course and throw things at us at any time – thing’s often do not actually go to plan. We can create a life of peace though. We can create stability. We can learn to exist in the waves being calm. It can feel scary when all you’ve known is high tides and crashing waves, storms and down pours, but many ships can sail smoothly, you can get to where you need to be without leaving a trail of mess.

Stop chasing that pattern,

Many doors do open smoothly, you just have to be brave and push.

 

Day 547,

Day 547,

Of what? Is probably what you are thinking.

Day 547, of what? Well, it’s been 547 days (one year and six months in other terms), that I have not engaged in something that seems to be an obsession, a craze, an indulgence in this generation. Maybe in other generations too, but I have not engaged in something that is everywhere we turn. It’s thrown at us. I won’t keep you guessing any longer… Sex. I KNOW, 547 DAYS OF NO SEX. NOTHING SEXUAL AT ALL FOR THAT MATTER!

That is right. I have not engaged in anything sexual, (with another person) for 547 days. For many of you this probably seems like insanity. I get it – some of us, regardless of our  sex crazy generation, do just need sexual fulfillment on a regular basis. The idea of no sex for some of you, is something you cannot fathom. That’s OK. But, I’m here to inform you, that I am still alive, I am still going strong, my life is still going good and… I’m actually becoming very use to it.  Now is probably a good time to point out that I think sex is great. I would consider myself a comfortably sexual being. I enjoy talking about sex, I enjoy hearing other peoples experiences and I would consider myself the friend who people feel comfortable talking about sex with.

I also believe that sex is a very big thing. Casual sex, flings, one-night stands are the norm these days. Which, again, is completely fine if you wish to engage in those things (stay safe). For me personally though, I have found that my need or want to engage in sex, comes with wanting a deeper connection to the other person. I don’t just want to have sex for the sake of having sex. If I choose to have sex with someone, I want there to be a connection outside of that. Trust is also a big thing for me, regarding sex. My view on sex is that you are letting this person in a space/engaging in something that is very personal. You are trusting them with your body. Trusting that, yes the aim of sex is pleasure, but you are trusting this person to be OK with your boundaries and not hurt you or not put you in physical pain. Sex is a vulnerable act. Again, just from my personal views on sex, it’s almost like giving up power to another person. You are allowing yourself to be locked in with another person and in some way, trusting them to control what you will be feeling. I’m aware that some people do not feel this way and sex for them is just a physical/pleasure outlet.

I didn’t decide to not have sex one day. This wasn’t something I woke up and thought OK, I am not going to have sex – it just happened. I haven’t felt bothered about changing it. I don’t enjoy casual sex. Sex that is connective and trusting is what I can enjoy, where I come alive in sex.

So, here I am at day 547.

Chilling.

 

I have learned many things, not having sex throughout this one year and six months:

Feeling more connected to myself:

I am sure some may disagree, but sex is a connective thing. It will bond you with the other person, whether you realise it or not. I do very much believe, especially those who are sensitive to energy, that you take on other peoples energies once you have had sex with them. You take something from each other and it stays with you. Meaning, if you have engaged with someone who is toxic for you or doesn’t mesh with your energy, you will take this on. When you are not engaging in sexual acts, the only person you are connected to is yourself. I feel more grounded, more confident, more stable in just being me. Weirdly enough, I prefer this person. I hope to in the future find someone and engage with someone who balances or matches my energy, so I don’t feel something of me has been taken away. Who I am is very important to me.

No pregnancy scares:

How you getting pregnant if you are not having sex? Yay! Children are a big deal. They are not something I wish to just bring in to this world because “Oops”. I am not ready to be a mother or a parent, so this is a big benefit of not engaging in sex.

There is so much more to the world:

… And to people. I love really talking to someone and getting to know them on a mental level. People are interesting. Shocking right? People above their genitals are actually interesting? The world is interesting beyond sex. Go outside, eat by yourself, take photos for the sake of it, experience something different, experience something that has no sexual relation to it at all. There really is a world outside of sex, I promise.

 

I am not saying that I’ve become content with my no sex life so much, that I will never have sex again. I will, but I’m in no rush…

 

 

 

“Blocking is immature” – short post.

I’ve seen and heard many times via social media quotes about blocking someone being immature. Or “if your ex blocks you, you won”. Self-care and the act of getting rid of those who hurt/anger or trigger you is not a game. It’s not about who won. It’s about loving yourself and being kind enough, to yourself, to eliminate those who you do not want in your space. Eliminate those who you do not want to see pop up on your Facebook or Instagram, it’s an act of self-love, in my opinion.

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It’s the act of loving yourself so much, that you do not want to see something that will upset you or trigger a bad memory. It’s loving yourself so much that you know to move forward, some things or people need to be left behind. It’s loving yourself so much that you want to take back control of how you feel, if this means blocking someone, so you don’t see their presence wherever you look, do it. I know some people who are able to move on without completely blocking someone out, which is also great, some of us aren’t as sensitive (or as some would say, those who don’t block are more mature), maturity has nothing to do with blocking, as I’ve said above, it’s not a game. If someone has done you wrong and hurt you, you have every right to block this person wherever you feel is necessary.  If they get offended, they should have treated you better.

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Social media in general has been proven to have a negative impact on our mental health.

We post without much regard for other people. We have a right to. We can post whatever choose. Another reason to block someone if it will be of benefit to you (self-love, not immaturity). We can’t control what other people choose to post but we can choose to not see it. I’ve experienced this, seeing something that sparks something negative in me or seeing something that takes me back to a bad time/brings up a bad memory. It felt uncomfortable. I didn’t like the way I felt. I felt silly and immature for how the post made me feel. I had to remind myself that 1. It’s OK I felt this way and 2. This is something that will probably always make me feel a negative emotion but it’s not my present.

We live in a world where we literally see people all.the.time. We choose to share our lives. We allow everyone to see in to our worlds (although some are fabricated). We also have the choice to block out those we do want in our space. We can, with the click of a button, remove this person from our view.

We all have choices, choose to love yourself and be kind to yourself.

 

 

“Hi, I’m back!”

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A theme in my life seems to be people coming back to me after not being able to treat me correctly, or even nicely. I know how it goes. They’re charming at first, chatty, seem really interested and this goes on for a while. I start to feel comfortable with them and comfortable with the situation and then it goes cold. They become distant. The ignoring starts. The choosing when they want to reply begins. The whole energy changes. Just like that. I would like to say I am a nice person (I hope those close to me will agree, lol) I’m an open person when I feel comfortable with someone but I’m not open with just anybody. So things progress in to more than a friendship, feelings come in to it, something we all try and avoid these days. But as I said, by this point, they’ve turned cold now – they got you where they wanted. The charm, the constant talking, the showing of interest, possibly meeting up, they’ve got you where they wanted you: in hell, in your feelings. 

These people by the way probably aren’t interested in things going any further, they’re goal probably isn’t a relationship, they just want an ego boost of knowing someone is interested in them and knowing they have this person there when they choose to be present again. Or, they’re unsure what they want so they’re constantly in and out like a manic cat. I’m not someone who just likes anybody and everybody. I’m not interested in everybody and anybody. I’m very to myself unless I feel I’ve met someone who seems like a decent human.

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Long story short, I’ve been in two long-term relationships and a one here and there, talking to someone but, basically they’re what I described at the start. I’ve been treated badly by both the long-term and the here and there. Both, when I was present, played a lot of in and out games, the hot and cold, they were interested sometimes and not others, when I tried to leave or I said if things don’t change I’m done, it became a massive argument. But,  I eventually had enough, as any person would and I would cut them off, I was so done, I was so tired and when I’m done, I’m done. I’d ask them to not contact me again. A few months would go by… I’m enjoying my no-stress life, then, they come back.

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The hilarious thing about when people come back is that they know they weren’t nice to you. It’s the first thing they say in their message, aka the apology statement, aka the complete shit chatting, aka I need you back in your place again for my own ego. They also know that by them popping up, it will possibly annoy you. They also state this in their coming back message. It may sound something like “I know messaging you will annoy you” or “I know you don’t want to here from me”, “I know you probably hate me”. Why you coming back then? This also states, if we dissect the messages, that, as made obvious when in the relationship, they do not care about your feelings. They are very aware that by them coming back, you will feel annoyed. They know they will annoy you. Someone who cares about another person, would not want to inflict negative feelings on another.

So why do they come back?

Each of these people who have hurt me, upset me, made me doubt my own intuition, treated me like a possession and left me there for when they wanted some stroking, have come back. Once I wipe my hands of them and I no longer chose or have the energy to deal with their erratic, unstable manner, they suddenly want to be present and return. Some girls may feel flattered or even get a self-esteem boost when someone comes back in their life after being treated badly. Kind of like, yeah look they’re coming back to me now. It’s not flattering. It follows the same pattern they were showing. They come back because suddenly they don’t have the validation you gave them. They aren’t getting that boost that you gave to them. They feel like shit and they need you back to make them feel good again. It’s also not for long. When they message, if/when you reply, they may show interest again for a while and then it reverts back to being distant. Why? They have you where they want you, once again.

In my opinion, males don’t run back to someone for the benefit of the person they hurt. It’s not something to feel good about when they come back, it only shows that they are still feeding off your energy and they want you to recharge them and leave you drained. I’ve found this is particularly apparent when the female has a sensitive energy. Almost like a mothering energy. Also a female who is secure in herself. I can identify with those. Males who don’t have this energy, males who have issues with confidence, self-esteem, will literally feed off this type of woman. When they lose their source of energy, they eventually feel low again. I could almost say it’s like a son running back to mum for comfort, they just need to know you’re there for a short amount of time and they run off again. This is draining. Bad energy from bad relationships can effect you mentally and physically. I didn’t have any big flares from my colitis until the year things finally calmed down with my ex. It was so stressful and I was having to troop on, that my body eventually couldn’t handle it.  Protect your energy.    

If people don’t know how to act right or if people are unable to treat you correctly, do not give them the time of day. I believe patterns show up very quickly. Looking back I saw the patterns in each of those people and I chose to overlook them. I refuse to continue doing it. The most important people in our lives is ourselves. We live within ourselves every single day, every second, that is the most important relationship we have. Get rid of anything or any bad energy that will leave you drained.

You cannot help or save everyone and it’s not your job to.

 

Who, what, where, when?

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Shyness: “Shyness (also called diffidence) is the feeling of apprehension, lack of comfort, or awkwardness especially when a person is around other people. This commonly occurs in new situations or with unfamiliar people.”

Social Anxiety: Social anxiety disorder, also called social phobia, is a long-lasting and overwhelming fear of social situations.”

I’ve been called shy or quiet for as long as I can remember. I’d have good school reports but was always told I need to “join in more with class discussions”. Presentations scare the hell out of me, I communicate much better in writing and I hate the whole, lets go around the room and introduce ourselves – how about let’s bloody not. It’s always felt very confusing to me because I’ve never been sure if it’s shyness or social anxiety. Once I’m around people and I’m engaged with them, I love it. I do enjoy meeting new people, I love asking questions and listening but before having to be social, lots of questions and thoughts run through my head. Only until a few years ago, I didn’t like to order my own food when out to eat. Whoever I was with would say what I wanted for me. I can remember driving to a waffle place with a friend but it was really busy and there was no where to park. She suggested she stays in the car and I can run in and get us the waffles. NO. Haha. It was so busy, I had never been in there before and just looking at it made me anxious. It was packed and it was small. We didn’t get our waffles. Now, I’d get those waffles. #getinmahbelly.  I wouldn’t like to make phone calls (doctors or general appointments), for some reason I preferred talking to people in person. Now I’m always phoning when I need to.

I also identify as an introvert, we always have some kind of internal dialogue going on, which for me, I’ve found, becomes slightly more of an anxious dialogue before meeting people. I need to know: how are we getting to this place, who will be there, what time will we be leaving and how will we be getting home, thanks. I like plans. I like control to some degree. I like to know what’s going on, tell me the dealio, certainty, I like certainty. When going out or meeting new people, especially for the first time, anything can happen, which can feel unnerving to those who are shy or prone to social anxiety. I’m working on being more spontaneous.

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One thing I’ve realised about those who are seen as shy, socially anxious or a tendency to be quieter in groups, is that people seem to think that is just your personality. You cannot be anything but shy. You are shy all the time, in every situation. Oh they wouldn’t do that, you wouldn’t do that, you done what? I can be shy/socially anxious in groups or when first meeting people but I’m not shy all the time. I’m very much a go-getter. More-so if I see a job or I see a volunteering opportunity, I’ll be on it. I’m not shy to put myself out there when it’s needed. Shy/SA people are often very dimensional. Onions. Keep peeling those layers back, we have a lot to show.

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Tips for making your shy/SA friend feel at ease:

  1. Answer their who, what, where, when questions.

They aren’t doing it to be annoying. They really need to know some kind of plan. Knowing the answers to these questions, or being able to give them a general idea, will calm them down and give them time to process the upcoming social event. Particularly true if they are a shy introvert. Introverts need time to process and prepare. If anything changes, let them know.

  2. Do not randomly invite other people, without letting them know first.

For me this is something that definitely makes me anxious. Especially if I don’t know the people coming. I wasn’t prepared for other people. The dynamic will change. Maybe not all, but I feel many shy/SA people are also highly sensitive. I can feel energy very quickly and I settle in to a dynamic. If this energy and dynamic then has to change, it can be unsettling for the shy/SA person. They have to readjust. It’s easier and will make them feel more at ease if you let them know first hand.

3. Introduce them to people with common interests.

Connection is the answer to breaking ice. Once someone has found they have a connection with someone, they are engaged, the ice melts and something can begin to grow. If a shy/SA person can walk in to a room, knowing, or being introduced to a person/people who have common interests, it’s something to talk about. It’s something that would make the shy/SA person feel OK with opening up, coming out and also letting other people be engaged with them, too. This could also potentially act as a domino effect. They talk to this person, this person brings in another person, then that person welcomes another person and suddenly the shy/SA person is connected and relaxed.

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Logic >> Romanticizing

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I would say I am a from the heart type of person, but in some situations, logic wins. I believe there are two areas in life that should not be romanticized.

Having a baby: 

I’m not sure if being due on and feeling slightly, hormonally on edge, has created this “wtf” feeling but here we go: I am watching 24 Hours in A&E, they showed some girls waiting and they heard a baby crying. One of the girls then said she couldn’t wait to have a child, fine, she then said “I want to dress my child in really cute outfits”. Stop there.  I want everyone to seriously think about why they want children. Many of us have had moments or still have moments of romanticizing what having a child would be like. Comments such as above are a good example. We make it sound like they’re the dolly’s we grew up playing with, we can change their outfits, play with them, make them look pretty.

A child is a human. A child will grow up to be an adult. A child doesn’t stay at a child forever. Having a child, in my opinion, is not something that should be not thought about. It is not something that should be romanticized. Babies, children are beautiful. They bring joy, they bring laughter, I have seen the unconditional love between a mother and her child. I’ve witnessed a birth. All are amazing and beautiful. On the other hand though, it is not all cute outfits, amazing new developments, laughter and feeling proud of what has been created. I don’t have children of my own, but I am a Nanny and I have seen every side of childhood. I find myself romanticizing or feeling a warmth towards children at the school pick up. I see all the parents eagerly waiting to see their child. I see how happy both parent and child are when they reunite after six hours of not being together. I tend to go off in my head, dreaming of maybe one day picking up my own child and feeling the feeling I see from parents. My logic then kicks in and tells me but this isn’t what having a child/children is always like. That feeling is not always there. From being a nanny and working with professional parents, I have heard them say they love their children but they are much happier working.

I believe having a child is the biggest decision in life and not one that should be chosen because it’s “just what happens” or “everyone else is having them”. Not everyone is made to be a mum. Not everyone is made to be a parent. Someone can be amazing with children, someone can be a maternal/nurturing person, but that does not mean they are built to be responsible or capable for someone else. Not just for 18 years, but forever.  People have said it to me and yes, I love children. I am good with children, I enjoy being around them and seeing them do new things/grow. I also love my alone time. I don’t just love but I need my own space. I need to have down-time. I need quiet. Too much stimulation overwhelms me, I cannot constantly be on. I become irritable, moody, frustrated, snappy, not a great person to be around. Many parents do regret having children. They love their child/children, but regret becoming a parent. Personally, I feel that must be one of the most isolating feelings possible. When you make that decision to have a child, you can’t go back. Children who one day become adults, are a life-long investment. What’s worse, not having children and maybe one day regretting it, or having children and regretting them now being here?

Don’t romanticize, be wise.

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 Love/relationships,

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To this day, I still partly blame Disney for the misrepresentation of love and females one day finding their prince charming. Love is not always riding off in to the sunset. It is not ending up with the person you thought you would be with. It’s not sitting at the dinner table with your high-school sweetheart, looking over at your children and feeling complete bliss. You might not end up with the person you thought you’d be with. You might even fall out of love with the person you thought you’d love for eternity.  They may fall out of love with you. It hurts. Maybe it’s not supposed to. Love and hurt don’t look as though they should go together. We’re human though and we’re complicated enough as individuals, so imagine when two come together. In my opinion, one of the best representations of what love/relationships can actually be like, is the film Blue Valentine . Love is not romantic, the idea of love is romantic. The thoughts we think of someone new, are romantic. We can romanticize what we think love is. The reality, down the line is often very different. Love is truth. Love is raw. Love is ugly. The thoughts we have of love/relationships could be what ends up disappointing us. Especially in this generation. We don’t seem to be that great at continuing something difficult. Or something that doesn’t match what we had in our mind. Relationship goals are deluding us and taking us away from the gritty work that it can take to keep a relationship going. We’re confused if the person we meet doesn’t look how they do on social media. Or if their online persona isn’t what they’re showing in real life. It’s all quick, accessible. If, from the get go, we were able to use or keep our logic in tact, we would go in to a new love being aware of how complicated it could be. I’m not saying love is complete tradgey  but is really is not chocolate and roses every day. Don’t get too swept off your feet. Keep yourself grounded, remember who you are, especially in the whirlwind of love.